Proof my mother has lost the plot ..

I got a phone call from my mum earlier this morning and having asked her how she was etc etc (not how old, because I know her age) .. she started getting herself all worked up because she hadn’t heard from Ickle Sis who was supposed to be back from Barbados today and that the purpose of the phone call .. was it possible I could look up the flight arrivals on the interweb?  “Er, yes mum, it’s incredibly useful for that kind of thing” to which she asked, “is it easy?”  Doh .. she gave me the flight number and off I scuttled with a “i’ll ring you back”.

I wasn’t able to find the flight on the Live Flight Arrivals board .. so rang mum back … well to say she went into hysterics is an understatement and follows up with “och you hear about these airlines” .. “WHAT?”  .. “you know, going missing” .. “MUM WHAT DRUGS HAS THE DOCTOR PUT YOU ON, planes don’t go missing that often and certainly only very few big ones and it would have been on the news by now??  Anyway what time did you think she would land and be home?” .. “I think she was landing at about 7:00″ (sighs inwardly, no wonder I couldn’t find the sodding flight!).

So, being a clever daughter I text Ickle Sis and said “if you’ve landed, could you ring mum, she’s getting worried about you, and she’s going out at 11:00 to do meals on wheels.  Hope you had a nice time.”

Five minutes later my mum rings again .. “it’s ok, she’s just rung me” .. “that’s great, I sent her a text asking her to if/when she landed” .. at which point she burst into tears!

WTFITAA?

Proof I’ve lost the plot …

A phone call comes through at work ..

Me: “Hiya Steve.  How old are you?  Sorry I really meant to say how are you?  Your age is obviously of no concern of mine, you can be as old as you want!”

Both me and Steve then collapsed at our respective ends of the phone in a fit of giggles – I have been giggling about it ever since!

So today, if you happen speak to some unknown woman on the phone and she asks you how old you are, instead of how you are .. you will know it’s me .. and I’ve lost it!

One night too many …

He did it again .. kept telling me “I’m just walking out of the pub now” … but it took him 10 hours to get home – which way did he go?  Via John O’Groats?

So I am rudely awoken at 3:00 am and lie listening to his crashing and banging downstairs .. it was when he fell over that I got up to see what was going on and whether that was the fall that had finally killed him .. unfortunately not!

So I made myself a cup of tea.  Pig is trying to drunkenly text someone from the sofa “oi” he shouts at me .. despite the fact that I am stood about 3 feet away .. “you’ve been using my phone, who did you send the word “naked” to”?

Me:  .. WHAT???  Firstly, why would I want to use your phone and secondly I haven’t.

Him: “I don’t mind you using my phone, but WHO DID YOU TEXT THE WORD “NAKED” TO”?

Me: “No-one, because I didn’t do it!  You probably did it when you were drunk, or someone in the pub did it, or someone at work did – it WASN’T ME”

Him: “YOU SENT THE WORD “NAKED” TO 70000 – WHO IS IT”

Me: “Er, let me see, one of those stupid text lines where they send you porn etc on a weekly/daily basis?????  And quite frankly why would I do that from your phone?  Surely I would do it from mine if I wanted porn and anyway my phone is too crap to do anything like that???”

Him: “Well why don’t you get an upgrade .. you must be due for one”

Me: (heavily sarcastic) “er, I’m pay-as-you-go .. you don’t get them”

Him: “well buy yourself a new phone”

Me: “look it is now 3:30 am .. I want to drink my tea and go to bed, I do NOT want to be having a conversation about mobile phones right.now.this.second! And just for clarification, I did not use your phone!”

With which I went up to bed where I couldn’t sleep because he remained snoring bloody loudly on the sofa.  I can’t even shut the bedroom door because the bed is too big to allow it to close!

Fuck knows what he is doing today .. hopefully moving out, but not before he has let the dishwasher repair man in!

All I know is I am tired and very very cross!