So, it’s been a month or 2.  Things have settled down with “The Admirer” ..or as I shall now call him “S” .. it’s easier.

My job is totally insecure and we are going on a week-to-week basis with my boss sticking his head in the sand (as, I might admit, have I).  However I have uploaded my CV to several websites, as the agencies don’t seem to be coming up trumps at all.  I’m not too worried as at least I have a healthy bank balance (thanks to Pig (for once)) and I’m sure I can do something, even if it is a complete change of direction.

S and I have been talking about buying a house together .. and added stresses .. (I’m not stupid .. and have my head screwed on for this one).  He’s talking about selling his place which, I take as commitment (however I think he should keep it and rent it out). :s

S is very very lovely (I know that some people here aren’t his greatest fans, but hey, this is my blog and I write it like I see it) .. he wants to look after me and does it very very well – when I let him.  I just need to accept his care – which after Pig I find difficult .. and I’m stubborn!

I’m too much of a nice person too!  I said the words I never wanted to say to anyone again “I can lend you” .. S is now the proud possessor of a BMW 320 with added Msport pack .. to say it goes like shit off a shovel is an understatement!  However him having got a speeding ticket in mine, has made him a little cautious about pushing it (thank god).  Anyway, he’s into me for a few £k!  I will also add that he’s bought brown leather sofa’s .. as opposed to black – and is citing that and the fact he took me to Monkey World that he is committed! (you’ve gotta laugh).

I’ve been on holiday with mum .. it was ok, but frustrating to say the least and just proves I am my mother’s daughter .. stubborn is not the word for it in that case!  It was also not helped by the fact that I was a complete durr brain with regard to my computer as someone had turned the wireless button off and I didn’t realise where it was until 2 am in the morning 1 day before we left!  I’ve learned one thing about my computer!

HOWEVER .. if anyone remembers the debacle of my drunken texting to some stupid woman last October .. she sent a text (accidentally???) .. late last month ..

Txt 1:  Sorry Stef .. can’t make that day

Txt 2:  Sorry went to wrong person

Txt from S:  It happens – hope you are ok.

Text 3:  Had a mental block! Happens all the time. Am ok, hope you are ok to. Lovely weather for you.X

That’s ok .. things like that “do” happen .. but then .. on Saturday he got ..

Just had a thought of you this morning. This is FABULOUS weather for your golf sticks. Hope work going ok for you. Dont worry, its just a small thinking of you message, going now, got jobs to do. Enjoy xx

???

He hasn’t replied, but what the fucking hell is she trying to do and why (apart from she’s a sad cow)?? (and it’s been over a year since she’s “seen” him) .. does she think he’s single – because most of his relationships haven’t lasted that long?

Anyway, I am back .. and hope to keep this thing updated, with random thoughts and musings .. I have been reading other people’s blogs, but not commenting – please do not feel abandoned – hugs to all that need them – high fives to others!

Also, I am available on Fridays for lunches, shopping etc etc etc!

There’s more .. but I’m leaving that for tomorrow.

Cat xx

So, what’s been going on to get me in such a state (in more ways than one).

1. Mum sold family home of 33 years.  A good thing as she’s 78 and doesn’t need 4 bedrooms, 3 receptions and 3/4 of an acre of garden.  However, I didn’t realise how much security being able to “go home” gave me.  I lost it.
2. The Admirer had a series of niggles at me (generally after a couple of pints) and made several verbal attacks, whilst not particularly nasty (ok, how nasty do they have to be, but things were said), and were enough to set the warning signals flashing at me.  I lost it.
3. Every phonecall I’ve made to any of my siblings .. the question as been put to me “when are you moving your stuff into storage” (mum’s not out of the house until the end of July .. what’s the rush?)  I, certainly the way things have been do not wish to move bulky items to The Admirers, only to have to move them out again!
4. I will have no address, doctor etc etc etc

So, I did what I often do, and got myself into a state of complete, total and utter panic which did nothing for rational thought or reasonable conversations, because I was firing on panic fuelled adrenalin!

Anyway .. I put myself back on anti-depressents and am feeling much calmer already and able to think logically.

I backed away from The Admirer, as he accused me of being “clingy” and have been doing things my way, not asking for anything from him in the way of affection or cuddles (I’m one of those that needs lots ) .. nor have I given any affection or cuddles (he’s a taker not a giver!)

RESULT OF MY “BACKED OFFNESS” .. oh, he can’t do enough for me, demanding a cuddle from me before he left this morning.  Offering to take me with him tonight so that when he’s at the Chiropracters, I can go late night shopping .. asking if I want to walk round with him tomorrow when he plays golf ….

I’ve spoken to mum.  She will be in a position to help me in September.

CONCLUSION .. I’m feeling much much stronger and more positive than I have done in weeks .. !

the reason for the tears yesterday morning??

I’m not entirely certain, but I think it’s the feeling that I’m doing loads of stuff (like washing and ironing and cleaning and PICKING HIM UP FROM PLACES) and I don’t seem to be getting a lot in return!

Example:  In the week we ended up with fish and chips .. now the kitchen isn’t huge!  He was dishing up dinner and taking up most of the space, so as he was doing that, I sorted washing into piles – “Your dinners’ ready” .. “no, it’s not” .. “why are you filling the washing machine when we are about to eat, I can do that? “” BUT YOU EFFING DON”T!” .. and he doesn’t!

Yesterday evening I was going to the “girls at work do” .. we do the lottery and having won about £80 over the year, and having no chance of a “paid for by the company bash”, thought we’d spend it on a meal out.  Unfortunately the meal was about a 30 minute drive away from anywhere I, (or anyone else for that matter) might be living (don’t ask!) so a taxi was really out of the question.

He didn’t even ask if I wanted a lift and picking up again .. he merely suggested that “you drop me at the pub on your way” !!!! WTF!  It wasn’t going to be a particulary pissed night, but it would have been nice to have a glass or two of wine!

So I was a good girl and did as I was told, but was told as I was driving him “you’re very quiet, what’s up?” .. now I know at that point I should have told him, but I thought “no, if you can’t work it out, I’m not telling you”, so my reply was “I’m concentrating on driving and trying to work out the best way to get to where I am going as there are about 4 possible routes .. *oh, and I’M ALREADY LATE BECAUSE OF YOU!*

Later .. I picked him up!  He was a bit pissed (not in a Pig sort of way, he doesn’t get like that – thank god) .. but he came out with the “I know something’s wrong, tell me what’s wrong, I just want you to be happy” line .. THEN .. he came out with “are you planning to tell me it’s over?”

I.WAS.SORELY.TEMPTED. (and know that I should have done, but I really want to get the suicide season out of the way).

It irks me that he wants me to tell him everything that is going on in my head – which I generally do, but he blatantly ignores and has not discussed in any way shape or form anything I’ve said, written or my counselling sessions.  But he doesn’t tell me what is going on in his head!

He met up with his sister last Sunday after almost a year of her fobbing him off, not coming to the door etc .. after the evening was over (guess who was driving again??) he said his sister hated him and blamed him for a lot of “childhood stuff” and had been in counselling for 2 years BECAUSE OF HIM .. but when I asked him the next day how it went, he said, “yeah, good although she turned a little funny later” ?????

Last night I asked him (it’s best to when one of you is sober and the other isn’t) and I got the same reply as the previous Sunday .. when he had been quite upset about her attitude towards him .. now why couldn’t he talk to me about that??

Anyway, on Monday he is going out with his junior Pro .. I am expected to drive them to spend the evening in “E”.  AND DO YOU KNOW WHAT??  I KNOW THAT HE’S CONTACTED/BEEN IN CONTACT WITH THE WOMAN OF THE OCTOBER FIASCO WHO JUST SO HAPPENS TO DRINK THERE TOO!!!!!

*only 2 more weeks till New Year, only 2 more weeks till New Year*

My response to any requests for lifts will be “jog on”!

Pig: “I miss talking to you.  Sorry”

I’d really like to know what he’s talking about in that text .. we don’t .. and never have to be honest!

(I’ve tried to be as un-communicative as possible for the last week or so as not to give him any reason for false hope, but to be fair I’ve just acted the same as I would normally!)

I so want him to go to the pub, get pissed, come home late and me be able to say “THERE, THAT’S WHY I WANT TO LEAVE YOU!” but I don’t think he will be going there any time soon!

being mended as I write .. so why has it taken 2 years and me telling him our relationship was over to do it?

“No, I do not want to go for a meal tonight .. what is the point, we never go out .. why start now?”

“No, I do not want you to start buying me flowers, they are lovely, but why now, the second bunch in 10 years?”

Oh, yeah .. I told you it was over!  It’s hard to be cruel, but I have to.

It doesn’t make me happy.

a tart!  But that is all I am going to say on the matter!

Pig has spoken to our financial advisor .. it can’t be done .. me or him buying the other out .. although I haven’t actually had words with mum about exactly how far she is prepared to go on the financial side of things .. just that on what we earn singly, we wouldn’t get the mortgage to cover things … and then there’s bills on top.  So we do the place up and sell it .. that’s fine by me .. BUT!

Then comes the emotional blackmail and questions (and please believe me .. some of these questions I am asking myself!)

• When did I start feeling like this?
•  Why is it happening now?
• What is going to happen to the cat? *it always comes back to him .. not that he’s not very cute and all, but??*
• He’d always seen us growing old together
• Is there anything he can do to change things?
• He still loves me and always has *he’s had a funny way of showing it*
• blah … blah … blah!

So last night and this morning, I’ve mainly been in tears!

Oh .. and is it a good thing to have lost 8lbs in 7 days?