So, what happened?

The last few weeks The Admirer has been really in my face with e:mails and texts .. to the point where it was starting to freak me out a bit because he was being so nice, and I haven’t had nice for a very long time.  I had the pressure from Pig to change my mind, that I didn’t really mean it, that he couldn’t believe it, that it wasn’t true, and then I had pressure from The Admirer - when could he see me, when could he see me again?

My head has been in a mess (anyone notice?), and The Admirer hasn’t made it any easier for me to be rational or logical, but we settled into an easy sort of routine of grabbing the odd hour here or there, sending nice texts and e:mails.

Suddenly this week he has backed right off .. to the point where I would get the odd message similar to the “What got my goat” post .. and when I sent a text back (nicely) he generally ignored the replies .. so what’s that all about???  I know I have been overly sensitive this week, the stress at work, home and him has upset my body-clock and I don’t know whether I’m coming or going half the time – anyone sugggest I may be pregnant and I may have to kill them .. I’m not that silly!  I have been banished from the house this weekend .. with much muttering from Pig that I am not doing my bit (bit of a contradiction there, but that’s Pig for you) .. because he is sanding walls and ceilings and there is mucho dust .. also the house is still at the point where I am not able to do much and anyway I am working in the pub.

Now am I being being overly hostile and maybe I should lighten up a bit?  Maybe The Admirer is trying just to give me the space I need to get myself sorted without getting too badly hurt himself .. a relationship with him has been on the cards for the last 10 years, and although I tried to ignore it, he didn’t?

I am still going to carry on down the path I am on with Pig whatever happens.  I have to for me, it’s going to be difficult, there are times when I am not going to like it, but it will all be to create a better life for me in the long run – and I am, after all, the one that matters!

Maybe I have been a little harsh on The Admirer, maybe I’ve been out of the “dating” game for too long and I can’t remember all the rules, but please!  He knows the stress I am under at work and at home, I know the job he does, which sees him out early and back late, out in all weathers being polite to people who quite frankly are complete arses and that he has his own stresses .. maybe we should leave it for a while?

Now do I sound like a grown-up for a change (I’m starting to scare myself) or am I making no sense at all?!

Bad Day!

I am seriously seriously about to walk out of work .. in fact, if the boss makes one more snide, snipey comment I am definitely out. He has been unbearable .. I shouldn’t have to sit at my desk in tears.

He shouted at me because I was in reception and my desk phone was ringing .. what were switchboard doing putting calls through when I was in front of them? Er .. possibly it was someone else ringing me???

Over an e:mail he dictated, he read, he re-read and I sent out he then shouted at me because of some wording .. I thought he was making a point by doing it the way he was .. apparently not!

He asks me to get a phonecall, walks off and then screams at me that “he’s in a meeting” when I try to put the call through to his mobile .. and I know that how??

Now we have to move offices to a different part of the building .. afuckinggain! I’ve moved offices at least 4 times while I’ve been with this company .. it’s a pain in the arse! So I’ve got that to look forward to .. more screaming and shouting .. the last time it nearly killed me!

I know I get paid extremely well to do my job, but when you just can’t effing win it’s not worth it.  Tomorrow I may well not come in at all!

It’s a bad day!

The Admirer is trying hard to cheer me up but is actually making it worse and has on succeeded in managing to piss me off;

Pig is trying his hardest with the house and to win me back, but I don’t want to be there or with him, although we are the most civil I have ever known! (and I should move out I know - but right now that is not possible – the weeks aren’t soo bad, it’s just the weekends).

It’s just all very tiring!

Let me see …

So yesterday was a shit day and I had the prospect of a shit evening ahead doing DIY!  I’m not a particularly girly girl, but I am practical and if shown something I can usually do it until I get bored – I worked for a firm of Chartered Accountants for 6 years so I have a fairly high boredom threshold – but 2 hours of filling cracks and holes is more than enough for me!

The fact that I wasn’t able to pull the rawlplug from the wall with my bare hands and needed pliers apparently meant I needed to be criticised.  The fact that the ladder, which is crap was all over the place and I ended up with cramp from trying to stay on it also called for criticism – and Pig wonders why I don’t do anything?

I had done, at the end of my “shift”, a fraction of the work I had to do on his timeline of plastering a wall to a “glass” finish.  If anyone is a plasterer, you will know is a very difficult thing to do.  THAT DOESN’T MAKE ME A BAD PERSON!

He broke the house, he had the grand plans without consulting me, and he put any of my ideas down as not being good enough!  So maybe they weren’t all great or logical or practical but actually, some weren’t bad!

Anyway as I was up the wobbly ladder listening to my iPod – I got criticised again!  “This is the sort of time we should be talking” ! ! ! ?

In 10 years we have never had a “conversation” – why start now, it’s not going to change my feelings or what I want?

I do feel sorry for him, but I have to be strong for me, he has brought all of this on himself by his various actions (or non-action on the house).  I am not saying I haven’t been to blame too for the decline of our relationship, but I have been asking him to get on with the work for the last 2 years, and suddenly I say I want out – and he gets on and starts work!

I know that I have deserved more from life and from Pig for the last 10 years, and I’ve just been apathetic and let him take me for granted.  I suppose that is why yesterday was such a “meh” day .. I have one person trying desperately hard to get on a pedestal and impress me and another who has put me on one and no doubt I shall fall off it from a huge height!

Happy Happy Happy

My mum is luurrvly!  Having spoken to her today, she is prepared to pay off the mortgage .. having waited 18 months to get out of the “fixed period” ..  during which Pig has agreed to rent the place out (obviously once the place is fixed up) … life is finally looking up!

Can’t think ..

The weekend I had was great (big to the Friday crowd, and big to those who missed it .. we missed you), and I managed to absent myself from home and Pig for most of it .. a fact that is probably going to rear it’s ugly head very soon and probably tonight!  The thought of having another set-to with Pig is making my insides knotted, I can’t concentrate on anything for any length of time .. and certainly am not remembering anything .. in fact, I’m not even listening most of the time – the lights are on but there is absolutely no-one at home!  The desire to opt out of life is very high (but that’s the cowards way out – it’s just I am very very scared) .. that or should I just go to sleep until it is all over.

I saw my mum on Friday evening and bit the bullet and told her .. her immediate response was .. “we’ll buy him out” .. she’s since talked to the rest of the family and they are behind me .. so forget if I’ve ever said anything bad about them please!

But now I don’t really know what to do .. I need to get the house valued, I know that .. but then what?  Certainly right now I am not in the right frame of mind to think logically about the whys and wherefores .. the one thing I do know I want is, a small place of my own, where I can shut my own front door and not let anyone in unless I want to!  However the road to that particular place is going to be long and very bumpy!  At the moment, mentally, I’m a bit fucked!