Running Away???

To take a couple of days off and go somewhere .. is that running away?

I.think.not!  It’s called time off, holiday, vacation, time out!

I am in danger of cracking up and suffering from depression – who can really blame me?  I’ve spent the last few days on the verge of tears, in fact if the truth be known they are pouring down my face now!  Yes, I know that in my case I am just feeling sorry for myself, because I have done something I should have done a long time ago, and I should “snap out of it” .. but sometimes it’s hard.  I don’t want to got the medication route, but I know that it works for me ..

Let’s see what has changed …

• Left Pig
• Moved out
• Moved offices to a part of the building far away from the “girly” goings on and laughs
• Spent lonely evenings catching horses, picking out feet, changing rugs, feeding etc
• Pressure from the Admirer .. classic case today “please may I do some washing” .. “of course you can you don’t need to ask” .. “but it’s only polite to!” ??

In short I feel very lonely right now.

So shoot me because I’m bouncing from one emotion to another and am not the life and soul of the party!

I’m moving ..

out of the house today.  Mainly only my clothing, personal possesions and stuff that I need to get put on ebay or car booted as soon as possible.  The rest of my stuff can wait until the house is transferred over.  Pig is going to find it a big enough shock and hole with me gone without taking certain key items of furniture too.

I have accidentally on purpose omitted to tell Pig.

I am not of ..

sound mind right now!

Quickly ..

• Saturday I had lunch with Dan in random town near us both - someone I know saw me, although what business it is of theirs who I am with I don’t know!  Did this fact get back to Pig .. yes I think it did.
• I wasn’t at “home” all weekend – which obviously means I am up to no good – but no I was not with Dan!
• Last night Pig got very drunk and confrontational and started accusing me of all sorts of stuff I am supposed to have been up to.  To prove I was where I said I was on Saturday and that this person, despite being a bloke, was only a friend, I called him and he spoke to PIg.
• At that point I left.
• So far today I have had about 30 text messages and 9 phone calls.
• I know he is hurting.
• I know I also do not want to be with him.
• I know that every now and then the thought of being on my own scare the shit out of me although I need to do it.
• I am tired.
• I am hungry but food refuses to go down.
• I don’t know who I am today.

Would someone book me into a mental home please?!?

Crazy Mixed Up Kid?!

I started this as “I escaped”, but it has gone off on a tangent and gets a bit mad in the middle .. forgive me .. (I never said I was right in the head!)

So .. I escaped ..

.. got 54 million (ok, slight exaggeration) text messages and several voicemail messages from Pig .. one of which was how did he put the washing machine on?  Er … put the powder and softener in and press the start button .. but DON’T!  My donkey (which I’ve had since I was 3 is in there .. he needs gentle treatment .. he is very old and I’m not actually sure he will survive the trip) .. so leave it!

I’m not feeling great about things, about where I am, the direction I am going in … a bit confused you might say .. I know what I need to do, I’m just having great difficulty doing it! (that may sound cryptic, but I’m really having “head is fucked” problems).

(here comes the mad bit)

I am being told that I am “hard” and “defensive” by one particular person – I have explained (or tried to) that this week is going to be very difficult for me .. on many levels.  Pig won’t remember (I have to remember all his shit), but on Thursday, two years ago my dad died.

Two years ago on Monday I saw my dad for the last time and we had an argument (about a sodding computer of all things) .. I left on good terms, making sure I told him I loved him, but I didn’t see him again until after it was all over (all of 30 minutes).. and I am having difficulty dealing with that!  I know I shouldn’t beat myself up, I had been every other day to see him and feed him his tea for nearly three weeks up till then, alternating with Icklesis.  It was Easter weekend, Number 1 Sis had come over from the US and she saw him, SisterIcan’tStand had been to see him .. was I not allowed a little time off?  The answer to that is yes, but the bugger upped and died on Easter Monday … there are other issues but I’m not going into them here, or right now .. I still can’t really face it!

(back to normal????)

This is the first full “day off” I’ve had for about 4 weeks where I don’t need to be anywhere or do anything!  I was supposed to be doing the “yard” from today but it appears that starts tomorrow, so I even managed to lie in .. the fact that I didn’t actually go to bed till 4.00 I’m ignoring (sorry Dom .. could have come!  (there would be a sad face smiley in there, but for some reason the computer is ignoring it!)

I am going shopping in a bit (something I loathe), but hopefully will meet up with a fellow blogger for some lunch (I may comment on his geekiness later - no cheeky smiley as I don’t think this post loves me!)  .. although I’ll probably be a bit light on the actual food bit.

Thanks for listening!

This post was brought to you by the letters H(ead) and F(ucked)!

So, what happened?

The last few weeks The Admirer has been really in my face with e:mails and texts .. to the point where it was starting to freak me out a bit because he was being so nice, and I haven’t had nice for a very long time.  I had the pressure from Pig to change my mind, that I didn’t really mean it, that he couldn’t believe it, that it wasn’t true, and then I had pressure from The Admirer - when could he see me, when could he see me again?

My head has been in a mess (anyone notice?), and The Admirer hasn’t made it any easier for me to be rational or logical, but we settled into an easy sort of routine of grabbing the odd hour here or there, sending nice texts and e:mails.

Suddenly this week he has backed right off .. to the point where I would get the odd message similar to the “What got my goat” post .. and when I sent a text back (nicely) he generally ignored the replies .. so what’s that all about???  I know I have been overly sensitive this week, the stress at work, home and him has upset my body-clock and I don’t know whether I’m coming or going half the time – anyone sugggest I may be pregnant and I may have to kill them .. I’m not that silly!  I have been banished from the house this weekend .. with much muttering from Pig that I am not doing my bit (bit of a contradiction there, but that’s Pig for you) .. because he is sanding walls and ceilings and there is mucho dust .. also the house is still at the point where I am not able to do much and anyway I am working in the pub.

Now am I being being overly hostile and maybe I should lighten up a bit?  Maybe The Admirer is trying just to give me the space I need to get myself sorted without getting too badly hurt himself .. a relationship with him has been on the cards for the last 10 years, and although I tried to ignore it, he didn’t?

I am still going to carry on down the path I am on with Pig whatever happens.  I have to for me, it’s going to be difficult, there are times when I am not going to like it, but it will all be to create a better life for me in the long run – and I am, after all, the one that matters!

Maybe I have been a little harsh on The Admirer, maybe I’ve been out of the “dating” game for too long and I can’t remember all the rules, but please!  He knows the stress I am under at work and at home, I know the job he does, which sees him out early and back late, out in all weathers being polite to people who quite frankly are complete arses and that he has his own stresses .. maybe we should leave it for a while?

Now do I sound like a grown-up for a change (I’m starting to scare myself) or am I making no sense at all?!