Quiet!

I’ve been a little quiet, mainly because there hasn’t really been anything I wanted to say!

However either tomorrow or on Thursday my financial obligations with Pig will be over and I’m feeling a bit numb and to be truthful a bit weepy.

He wasn’t a bad bloke really, just hell to live with.

Obviously the money in the bank is a good thing and I can get on with my life, but the thought of trying to fit as much of my stuff into my small room at mum’s (she will sooo complain if it spreads to the rest of the house) is daunting!  Also trying to fit what’s left into my car is a tad daunting too ..

I’ve been mentally clearing my stuff for weeks, I should have done it a bit at a time over the last few when I’ve been to collect post and see the cat, but I just put it off .. I suppose the final push is the hardest!

I really want to take the cat with me, he’s mine, he was given to me by friends, he misses me – a point proved on Friday that he gets little or no affection from Pig – when he soaked me in dribble and was practically trying to climb down the front of my top.  However, Pig has always said the cat would stay with him if anything ever happened and I didn’t disagree, would it be wrong of me that the last box I take is the cat box (full)?

I just don’t know!

So what was ..

all the screaming and shouting about, merely a desire to let off some steam because I could?  Mere frustration at my current journey to work?  Things in general? Or one very definite person or people?

All of the above!

The last I heard from Pig was that I needed to sign some papers this week.  I have had no communication from him.  I daren’t go to the house as this unleashes a torrent of texts that just wind me up, piss me off and make me hate him more.  Ok, so maybe I should chase him, get it finalised and over with.

The Admirer is pushing things forward way too hard and fast, then says, “but I’ll wait for you” when I start stressing, then he pushes way too hard again and then gets sulky because I’m stressing again!  WTF??

I’ve told him that:

1) I’m not getting anywhere with Pig and dislike making initial contact because of the above which is frustrating – ok, so I am sticking my head in the sand.

2) Work is extremely stressful right now and the journey to work from either his or mum’s is absolutely vile, traffic-wise.

3) Icklesis’s stoopid cat has gone missing (now on day 4) and she is upset, mum is upset and to be quite honest, so am I! (and I miss my own cat).

4) I don’t like living at home because despite the fact that I am free to come and go as long as I let mum know whether I will be back at night or not and whether I am eating or not, she KEEPS doing my washing and ironing and I am soon going to be accused of treating the place like an hotel .. and you have to pay for an hotel! and no doubt she will eventually get fed up and chuck me out!

5) I am actually quite stressed!

6) I nearly slept on the sofa last night as there was no room in the bed for me

7) The Admirer asked me to take him to a golf tournament tomorrow at stupid o’clock in the morning and have his car for the day – as it’s on my way to work, that’s no problem, and then could I pick up his stuff later in the afternoon as he didn’t want to leave it lying around at the club – fair enough, I can do that!  Then he says, but if I want to go back to mum’s tonight that’s ok.  I was too tired this morning to question “did he still want me to take him or not?” and now I really can’t be arsed!  I’m certainly not getting up even earlier to drive to his, swap cars, drive him to the golf club and then go on to work!  (that is if he doesn’t do the classic .. “I’ll drive and we can swap when we get there” that soooo many men do with their wives at the station every day!)

I have a busy, stressful job to begin with working for someone who quite frankly has the manners of a raging mammoth, next week the boss is away which gives me room to breathe; and the week after I’m in Scotland with mum and Icklesis .. a week away with no phones, computers or internet – maybe that’ll help!

but I think what is really really eating me is, why do I have to go around with a grin from ear to ear 24-7 which is what the Admirer seems to think I should have – even with all the above going on?

Anyway tonight I am going to tell him we are no more for the moment!

That’s jumbled, then but so is my head.

Running Away???

To take a couple of days off and go somewhere .. is that running away?

I.think.not!  It’s called time off, holiday, vacation, time out!

I am in danger of cracking up and suffering from depression – who can really blame me?  I’ve spent the last few days on the verge of tears, in fact if the truth be known they are pouring down my face now!  Yes, I know that in my case I am just feeling sorry for myself, because I have done something I should have done a long time ago, and I should “snap out of it” .. but sometimes it’s hard.  I don’t want to got the medication route, but I know that it works for me ..

Let’s see what has changed …

• Left Pig
• Moved out
• Moved offices to a part of the building far away from the “girly” goings on and laughs
• Spent lonely evenings catching horses, picking out feet, changing rugs, feeding etc
• Pressure from the Admirer .. classic case today “please may I do some washing” .. “of course you can you don’t need to ask” .. “but it’s only polite to!” ??

In short I feel very lonely right now.

So shoot me because I’m bouncing from one emotion to another and am not the life and soul of the party!

I’m moving ..

out of the house today.  Mainly only my clothing, personal possesions and stuff that I need to get put on ebay or car booted as soon as possible.  The rest of my stuff can wait until the house is transferred over.  Pig is going to find it a big enough shock and hole with me gone without taking certain key items of furniture too.

I have accidentally on purpose omitted to tell Pig.

Scared ..

is how I am feeling today!