The Admirer had a week off last week and as “last minute” deals were very expensive, I suggested that we went down to my mum’s place in Swanage .. which is free.  Ok, so it’s not the most exciting place in the world, but it was peaceful and stressless ..

We (or I had supposed) were having a good time.  Then yesterday, by the powers known ony to me (ok, so I was snooping), I found this text he sent on Friday to his boss ..

The first bit is in reference to a “do” he is going to tonight .. which is part of the angry bit ..

“Hmmm, not for me ta! Is her daughter going? See you monday. By the way, bored silly, only rugby tomorrow keeping me going!”

So, after my last post, you can see that I’m a little wound up right now!

S, having got a day off on Friday suggested that we do something, or go somewhere and what did I want to do.

Several suggestions were put forward and it was decided that we would go to Hever Castle .. former home of Anne Boleyn, haunt of Henry the VIII … all I can say is “what a disappointment”!

Some American bought the place in the early 1900’s and has turned it into a “museum” of his stuff!  Only about 2 rooms were dedictated (very limply) to Anne Boleyn and Henry VIII!

The gardens and outside of the building were very beautiful, but the rest of it .. lame!

We had more fun in Brighton on the pier, playing silly arcade games!

So, it’s been a month or 2.  Things have settled down with “The Admirer” ..or as I shall now call him “S” .. it’s easier.

My job is totally insecure and we are going on a week-to-week basis with my boss sticking his head in the sand (as, I might admit, have I).  However I have uploaded my CV to several websites, as the agencies don’t seem to be coming up trumps at all.  I’m not too worried as at least I have a healthy bank balance (thanks to Pig (for once)) and I’m sure I can do something, even if it is a complete change of direction.

S and I have been talking about buying a house together .. and added stresses .. (I’m not stupid .. and have my head screwed on for this one).  He’s talking about selling his place which, I take as commitment (however I think he should keep it and rent it out). :s

S is very very lovely (I know that some people here aren’t his greatest fans, but hey, this is my blog and I write it like I see it) .. he wants to look after me and does it very very well – when I let him.  I just need to accept his care – which after Pig I find difficult .. and I’m stubborn!

I’m too much of a nice person too!  I said the words I never wanted to say to anyone again “I can lend you” .. S is now the proud possessor of a BMW 320 with added Msport pack .. to say it goes like shit off a shovel is an understatement!  However him having got a speeding ticket in mine, has made him a little cautious about pushing it (thank god).  Anyway, he’s into me for a few £k!  I will also add that he’s bought brown leather sofa’s .. as opposed to black – and is citing that and the fact he took me to Monkey World that he is committed! (you’ve gotta laugh).

I’ve been on holiday with mum .. it was ok, but frustrating to say the least and just proves I am my mother’s daughter .. stubborn is not the word for it in that case!  It was also not helped by the fact that I was a complete durr brain with regard to my computer as someone had turned the wireless button off and I didn’t realise where it was until 2 am in the morning 1 day before we left!  I’ve learned one thing about my computer!

HOWEVER .. if anyone remembers the debacle of my drunken texting to some stupid woman last October .. she sent a text (accidentally???) .. late last month ..

Txt 1:  Sorry Stef .. can’t make that day

Txt 2:  Sorry went to wrong person

Txt from S:  It happens – hope you are ok.

Text 3:  Had a mental block! Happens all the time. Am ok, hope you are ok to. Lovely weather for you.X

That’s ok .. things like that “do” happen .. but then .. on Saturday he got ..

Just had a thought of you this morning. This is FABULOUS weather for your golf sticks. Hope work going ok for you. Dont worry, its just a small thinking of you message, going now, got jobs to do. Enjoy xx

???

He hasn’t replied, but what the fucking hell is she trying to do and why (apart from she’s a sad cow)?? (and it’s been over a year since she’s “seen” him) .. does she think he’s single – because most of his relationships haven’t lasted that long?

Anyway, I am back .. and hope to keep this thing updated, with random thoughts and musings .. I have been reading other people’s blogs, but not commenting – please do not feel abandoned – hugs to all that need them – high fives to others!

Also, I am available on Fridays for lunches, shopping etc etc etc!

There’s more .. but I’m leaving that for tomorrow.

Cat xx

So, what’s been going on to get me in such a state (in more ways than one).

1. Mum sold family home of 33 years.  A good thing as she’s 78 and doesn’t need 4 bedrooms, 3 receptions and 3/4 of an acre of garden.  However, I didn’t realise how much security being able to “go home” gave me.  I lost it.
2. The Admirer had a series of niggles at me (generally after a couple of pints) and made several verbal attacks, whilst not particularly nasty (ok, how nasty do they have to be, but things were said), and were enough to set the warning signals flashing at me.  I lost it.
3. Every phonecall I’ve made to any of my siblings .. the question as been put to me “when are you moving your stuff into storage” (mum’s not out of the house until the end of July .. what’s the rush?)  I, certainly the way things have been do not wish to move bulky items to The Admirers, only to have to move them out again!
4. I will have no address, doctor etc etc etc

So, I did what I often do, and got myself into a state of complete, total and utter panic which did nothing for rational thought or reasonable conversations, because I was firing on panic fuelled adrenalin!

Anyway .. I put myself back on anti-depressents and am feeling much calmer already and able to think logically.

I backed away from The Admirer, as he accused me of being “clingy” and have been doing things my way, not asking for anything from him in the way of affection or cuddles (I’m one of those that needs lots ) .. nor have I given any affection or cuddles (he’s a taker not a giver!)

RESULT OF MY “BACKED OFFNESS” .. oh, he can’t do enough for me, demanding a cuddle from me before he left this morning.  Offering to take me with him tonight so that when he’s at the Chiropracters, I can go late night shopping .. asking if I want to walk round with him tomorrow when he plays golf ….

I’ve spoken to mum.  She will be in a position to help me in September.

CONCLUSION .. I’m feeling much much stronger and more positive than I have done in weeks .. !

to a prod about how things are going .. I might say, very well indeed thank you.

New Year’s Eve was an odd sort of day (and night) .. whilst shopping and visiting earlier in the day, I felt distinctly “not right”, but couldn’t have told you what was wrong for the life of me.

It started in TKMax and got gradually worse as the day went on .. to the point where photographing a flashing plastic duck in various trees in the village (whilst shoppers watched in disbelief) became very unfunny after the 15th tree, especially as I just wanted to go and lie down!  (pictures will be uploaded at some point) – and the reason?  The local village idiot thinks ducks live in trees and we have a “wall of shame” in the pub where said pictures will be displayed as proof that ducks do live in trees!  (And before anyone dashes off to look, possibly some do, but generally they don’t!)

The Admirer and I debated long and hard about what we were going to do to see in the New Year; early drink followed by meal in; or meal in followed by late drink.  We settled on the second option.

I didn’t eat much, and didn’t fancy any wine with the meal and so, not feeling too great, I then toddled off and had a shower before we went out to the local (me, having said I didn’t feel like drinking (god, must be ill), would drive).  In the bathroom, under the glare of the 2m watt lightbulb The Admirer has, I started getting dots flashing and my eyesight went!  It was a migraine, but without the headache!!!

We still went out.  And then rather wished we hadn’t!

We pulled up outside the local and it all seemed very quiet.  Maybe they are all out the back?  Er, no!  There was 1 customer, and we made it 3 .. and at this point we couldn’t really leave!

What also didn’t help was The Admirer and ChelseaFan hate each other, so I was sat, sipping lemonade, between the sniping pair!  The landlord (as usual) and his good lady (not as usual and very funny to watch) were totally off their faces, as was the bar manager (as usual) .. and the two girls behind the bar were just relieved to be going home at a decent hour!

Thank god I was driving and we didn’t have to hang around in the cold waiting for a taxi we didn’t need!

We did have a good laugh about it on the way home (with 3/4 of a bottle of champagne the landlord gave us so that I could have a drink when we got home) .. next year will be very very different!

So, for the moment things are going well.  I’ve been re-reading some of the stuff I was writing at the end of 2007 and the beginning of last year and it all seems pretty depressing!  On the whole, life is on the up, although there are various bits which need changing, but I’m now at least, not fighting a battle on my own or being knocked back and worn out at every turn.

This year will be a good one!  I am determined to make it that way!

the reason for the tears yesterday morning??

I’m not entirely certain, but I think it’s the feeling that I’m doing loads of stuff (like washing and ironing and cleaning and PICKING HIM UP FROM PLACES) and I don’t seem to be getting a lot in return!

Example:  In the week we ended up with fish and chips .. now the kitchen isn’t huge!  He was dishing up dinner and taking up most of the space, so as he was doing that, I sorted washing into piles – “Your dinners’ ready” .. “no, it’s not” .. “why are you filling the washing machine when we are about to eat, I can do that? “” BUT YOU EFFING DON”T!” .. and he doesn’t!

Yesterday evening I was going to the “girls at work do” .. we do the lottery and having won about £80 over the year, and having no chance of a “paid for by the company bash”, thought we’d spend it on a meal out.  Unfortunately the meal was about a 30 minute drive away from anywhere I, (or anyone else for that matter) might be living (don’t ask!) so a taxi was really out of the question.

He didn’t even ask if I wanted a lift and picking up again .. he merely suggested that “you drop me at the pub on your way” !!!! WTF!  It wasn’t going to be a particulary pissed night, but it would have been nice to have a glass or two of wine!

So I was a good girl and did as I was told, but was told as I was driving him “you’re very quiet, what’s up?” .. now I know at that point I should have told him, but I thought “no, if you can’t work it out, I’m not telling you”, so my reply was “I’m concentrating on driving and trying to work out the best way to get to where I am going as there are about 4 possible routes .. *oh, and I’M ALREADY LATE BECAUSE OF YOU!*

Later .. I picked him up!  He was a bit pissed (not in a Pig sort of way, he doesn’t get like that – thank god) .. but he came out with the “I know something’s wrong, tell me what’s wrong, I just want you to be happy” line .. THEN .. he came out with “are you planning to tell me it’s over?”

I.WAS.SORELY.TEMPTED. (and know that I should have done, but I really want to get the suicide season out of the way).

It irks me that he wants me to tell him everything that is going on in my head – which I generally do, but he blatantly ignores and has not discussed in any way shape or form anything I’ve said, written or my counselling sessions.  But he doesn’t tell me what is going on in his head!

He met up with his sister last Sunday after almost a year of her fobbing him off, not coming to the door etc .. after the evening was over (guess who was driving again??) he said his sister hated him and blamed him for a lot of “childhood stuff” and had been in counselling for 2 years BECAUSE OF HIM .. but when I asked him the next day how it went, he said, “yeah, good although she turned a little funny later” ?????

Last night I asked him (it’s best to when one of you is sober and the other isn’t) and I got the same reply as the previous Sunday .. when he had been quite upset about her attitude towards him .. now why couldn’t he talk to me about that??

Anyway, on Monday he is going out with his junior Pro .. I am expected to drive them to spend the evening in “E”.  AND DO YOU KNOW WHAT??  I KNOW THAT HE’S CONTACTED/BEEN IN CONTACT WITH THE WOMAN OF THE OCTOBER FIASCO WHO JUST SO HAPPENS TO DRINK THERE TOO!!!!!

*only 2 more weeks till New Year, only 2 more weeks till New Year*

My response to any requests for lifts will be “jog on”!

The Admirer and I got invited to a bar-b-q at his boss’s (punctuation problem with that one .. never could get where the “apostrophe” goes, but you know what I mean) house last night.  The fact that he thinks his boss is a tosser is neither here nor there .. free food and wine, is free food and wine and seeing as after last week’s very expensive one, every little helps.

After the worst night ever of the other week I was not looking forward to it, although the Boss has always been very friendly when we’ve met on 2 previous occasions!  I opted to drive – as making a twat of myself in front of his boss was not, I felt, a good idea!  I wasn’t told that 1) Boss would have picked us up; or 2) Boss’s son would have dropped us home .. but hey, ho, I don’t really do very well on wine, so it was probably best in the long run (and I don’t have a hangover today – unlike some)!

There were several saving graces to the evening ..

1. The food was excellent
2. There was an 11 week old puppy (imagine Andrex!)
3. The weather was kind
4. The company was very good and very interesting
5. There was little no golf talk, apart from who The Admirer could take to Trevose to play in a week long tournament there .. (yaay a week to myself  – *bad bad person that I am*)

HOWEVER (how come there is always a “however”)!

I had to drive The Admirer’s car home at 2.00 am.  In the dark (obviously given it was 2.00 am).  I drive it about once every 6 weeks and I can’t throw it round like my car – otherwise I would end up killing us.  (I’ve got a 1.1 Peugeot .. his is a rather large and powerful Lexus somethingorother).

I was a wee bit tired.

I was also fed up with, that towards the end of the evening, the conversation kept going back to a subject they had discussed ALL evening, mainly the mental state of a friend of theirs who had gone to “live the dream” in France and that the boss should go and see him and talk to him and try and get him to come home (potted version of the story is that bloke and wife buy dream house with accompanying gittes, pool, grounds .. husband lives “on site” and panders to, apparently, vile guests whilst the wife continues her 6 figure salaried job in England – hardly living the dream!  The husband’s mental state is precarious to say the least.)  The boss is in 2 minds as to whether it is a good idea and that when it is his time to leave it might tip the husband over the edge .. fair point .. BUT to go and show solidarity and friendship surely would help him too – if nothing more than to know that he has friends he can turn to and come home to!

Anyway it was pissedly discussed to death all evening and frankly got a little boring with the excuses made as to why the boss shouldn’t go, and the other guests as to why he should .. anyway it’s up to him and maybe should be discussed in a more sober moment!

THEN!

The son (18) but a good laugh all the same (and had kindly offered to go over to France and stay with mental husband, or help do his father’s job whilst he went), started to bicker and wind his mother up and she became more and more, how can I say it politely, like a fishwife!  It was not pleasant to watch and made me – THE SOBER ONE, extremely uncomfortable.  So I kicked The Admirer on the shins and told him we were going .. “why are you so stressy babe?” .. “aaaargh!”

Tonight my best friend and her other half (oh she of the pathetic guard dog) are coming over for dinner .. so I should stop blogging and try and clean up a bit!

Ok, so I’ve got a life now, and tonight is something of a first, as Pig would never have had friends (especially mine) round for dinner .. and The Admirer suggested it too and is cooking .. things are looking up, despite the fact that all I seem to write about are the negatives.  I fully expect a hangover tomorrow!

We did have long talks last night when we got home – which involved getting to bed at 4.00 am – (about if we had got it on 10 years ago, where we might be now yada yada yada).  The story of “how we met” was related to one and all over dinner .. I have to keep that in my head and see it as a positive – he hung on in there for 10 years hoping that we would get together one day .. that must say something?  Surely “now he’s got me” he doesn’t want to lose me – hence the over-clingyness?  I don’t know, but some of you out there might have an idea on it .. all comments gratefully received.  There is some other stuff, but I need to get it straight in my head before I post it .. this was (supposed to be) just a quickie, but like Topsy, it just growed and growed!

PS: Aww. He’s such a sweet drunk pissed person which is a massive relief after Pig’s nastiness!  I just hope he managed to get into his car ok this morning, seeing as I parked it in the stinging nettles last night (and have the stings to prove it)!