Archive for the ‘Confusion and Controversy!’ Category

6 sleeps and counting …

till the op!  I took the money in today .. I am sure as hell hoping the medical staff are more on the ball than the reception staff in “Premium Care” .. I know they will be (??) – the reception staff had to phone accounts to make sure that a “building society” cheque would clear in time …. ffs .. they wouldn’t give me a building society cheque if the money wasn’t there!  The hospital has 100% ratings (except I am hoping the admin people are not counted in that .. especially as my letter referred to me as “Lucy” ….)

I also went for a bra fitting with M&S .. the fitter was more used to dealing with cancer patients after their ops, not someone like myself.  We came to a happy medium at half the price of a “named” sports bra manufacturer .. time will tell and she wants me to go back and tell her how it went etc so that she can be more helpful in the future (not that she wasn’t helpful).  The name of my surgeon .. Mr B Powell (Barry) .. he looks really cheesey on his website (but he is/was really nice), and I am assured that his reputation is 200% and is a top cancer surgeon associated with major cancer hospitals .. so i must take reassurance from that.  I am also assured by persons that have had the op that they have never looked back .. quite frankly I am crapping myself.  I went for a “pre-op” on Monday expecting, blood pressure, blood, etc etc .. nope!  They took swabs from my nose and under-arms for MRSA – which is a good thing, but when they take my blood pressure on Monday morning at 7.00 am it will be through the roof!

So here I am, looking forward to but not, an operation that will, most hopefully, change my life ..  there will probably be posts here in the next few days being quite morbid .. because part of me sees the other side .. and part of me doesn’t.  I am going through the “what if I wake up during the op” and the “what if I don’t wake up after” .. one WILL matter, the other won’t.  Either way .. thanks for reading guys! 😀

Whatever happens .. I want the machine that goes “PING” (reference to Monty Pithon’s Meaning of Life) ….

xx

Scared (very of L’head)

(The golfer has been good .. but I have a funny feeling he thinks once this is done I will be off … watch this space .. it certainly won’t be till I’m recovered ;D )

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Redundant ..

whilst it’s not a surprise, things have been (really) up and down for the last 3 weeks, but the Administrator and the LPA Receiver cannot agree.  As of 5.30 this evening (whilst not being paid for today or Monday anyway) I am redundant!

The redundancy doesn’t bother me .. particularly.  Some things are meant to happen and meant to happen for a reason.  It’s happened in a different way before and I wouldn’t be here today if those things hadn’t happened.  So in that respect I am fairly positive. And now it has happened it’s a relief really.

So .. what am I going to do???

I’m not sure what, there are several possibilities .. I want to have a boob job .. not of the enlarging variety I might add.  It would be a good time to do it, I could recover and look gently for a new job – taking leave for an elective procedure ain’t the best idea.  The thought of the operation scares me mightily, but would be a good thing for me as it will give me confidence (and let me fit into clothes I thought I might never wear again).  An extended holiday would be good too – especially with this bloomin volcano erupting every 5 minutes!  Sleep sounds good too!  Thinking!  There’s a lot to think about right now.  My position here with the Admirer is wearing thin – I seem to be the butt of every criticism and put down going (but guess what .. I’m not allowed to have an opinion) .. so revert back to my first sentence and the boob job and the confidence thing.   My flat is rented out at exorbitant a month, so at least I have a reasonable income from that to tide me over.  However the downside is, I don’t have a hole to bolt to! (although sisters have already covered that one with me).

Bizarrely today I thought about getting another horse.  I want to get back into riding and will seriously think about it (getting a horse), whilst having  few hacks and lessons locally and re-befriending people who have horses I can ride for free.  Mebbe the pleasure without the pain first!??  I need something structured and routine-like in my life.

I’m in an odd place.  I am not upset about the redundancy, but I am extremely angry with my “ex” boss.  He has not said one word to me about my position in the process of the recent events.  I have to go to work on Monday.  I shall not be doing anything for him and the pile of filing on my desk will go in the bin.  He’s a shit (but I stupidly didn’t realise quite how much of one he was/is) .. and as I leave .. I’ll be turning the light off!  Mebbe I’m a bit embarrassed about how thick I’ve been, but I’ve been so bored at work recently, it’s easy to get lulled into a false sense of security (dis-interest??) (that’s not the right words, but please try and understand what I mean).  I think the dis-interest has led to a lack of blogging too .. too bored to blog!

Henceforth a new era .. and I think (sincerely hope) a good better time for me! 😀

Anyway .. I’m off to get trolleyed (spelling) .. ok then “off my face” .. but actually I’m quite tired and having had my hair washed and blow dried today with Dwight “ohmyfuckinggodyouarethe greatest” hairdresser, I want to show it off!  (I had extensions (freeeee!!!) – volumising – in the week and they.are.the.bollocks .. but Dwight needs to get to grips with dealing with extensions .. which allows me a weekly visit to get my hair done for the next 3 weeks or so (just as well it’s free bearing in mind I shall have no money!)

Love to all you consistent bloggers out there!

Cat x

Update .. d ..

So, it’s been a month or 2.  Things have settled down with “The Admirer” ..or as I shall now call him “S” .. it’s easier.

My job is totally insecure and we are going on a week-to-week basis with my boss sticking his head in the sand (as, I might admit, have I).  However I have uploaded my CV to several websites, as the agencies don’t seem to be coming up trumps at all.  I’m not too worried as at least I have a healthy bank balance (thanks to Pig (for once)) and I’m sure I can do something, even if it is a complete change of direction.

S and I have been talking about buying a house together .. and added stresses .. (I’m not stupid .. and have my head screwed on for this one).  He’s talking about selling his place which, I take as commitment (however I think he should keep it and rent it out). :s

S is very very lovely (I know that some people here aren’t his greatest fans, but hey, this is my blog and I write it like I see it) .. he wants to look after me and does it very very well – when I let him.  I just need to accept his care – which after Pig I find difficult .. and I’m stubborn!

I’m too much of a nice person too!  I said the words I never wanted to say to anyone again “I can lend you” .. S is now the proud possessor of a BMW 320 with added Msport pack .. to say it goes like shit off a shovel is an understatement!  However him having got a speeding ticket in mine, has made him a little cautious about pushing it (thank god).  Anyway, he’s into me for a few £k!  I will also add that he’s bought brown leather sofa’s .. as opposed to black – and is citing that and the fact he took me to Monkey World that he is committed! (you’ve gotta laugh).

I’ve been on holiday with mum .. it was ok, but frustrating to say the least and just proves I am my mother’s daughter .. stubborn is not the word for it in that case!  It was also not helped by the fact that I was a complete durr brain with regard to my computer as someone had turned the wireless button off and I didn’t realise where it was until 2 am in the morning 1 day before we left!  I’ve learned one thing about my computer!

HOWEVER .. if anyone remembers the debacle of my drunken texting to some stupid woman last October .. she sent a text (accidentally???) .. late last month ..

Txt 1:  Sorry Stef .. can’t make that day

Txt 2:  Sorry went to wrong person

Txt from S:  It happens – hope you are ok.

Text 3:  Had a mental block! Happens all the time. Am ok, hope you are ok to. Lovely weather for you.X

That’s ok .. things like that “do” happen .. but then .. on Saturday he got ..

Just had a thought of you this morning. This is FABULOUS weather for your golf sticks. Hope work going ok for you. Dont worry, its just a small thinking of you message, going now, got jobs to do. Enjoy 🙂 xx

???

He hasn’t replied, but what the fucking hell is she trying to do and why (apart from she’s a sad cow)?? (and it’s been over a year since she’s “seen” him) .. does she think he’s single – because most of his relationships haven’t lasted that long?

Anyway, I am back .. and hope to keep this thing updated, with random thoughts and musings .. I have been reading other people’s blogs, but not commenting – please do not feel abandoned – hugs to all that need them – high fives to others!

Also, I am available on Fridays for lunches, shopping etc etc etc!

There’s more .. but I’m leaving that for tomorrow.

Cat xx

Potted blog ..

So, what’s been going on to get me in such a state (in more ways than one).

  1. Mum sold family home of 33 years.  A good thing as she’s 78 and doesn’t need 4 bedrooms, 3 receptions and 3/4 of an acre of garden.  However, I didn’t realise how much security being able to “go home” gave me.  I lost it.
  2. The Admirer had a series of niggles at me (generally after a couple of pints) and made several verbal attacks, whilst not particularly nasty (ok, how nasty do they have to be, but things were said), and were enough to set the warning signals flashing at me.  I lost it.
  3. Every phonecall I’ve made to any of my siblings .. the question as been put to me “when are you moving your stuff into storage” (mum’s not out of the house until the end of July .. what’s the rush?)  I, certainly the way things have been do not wish to move bulky items to The Admirers, only to have to move them out again!
  4. I will have no address, doctor etc etc etc

So, I did what I often do, and got myself into a state of complete, total and utter panic which did nothing for rational thought or reasonable conversations, because I was firing on panic fuelled adrenalin!

Anyway .. I put myself back on anti-depressents and am feeling much calmer already and able to think logically.

I backed away from The Admirer, as he accused me of being “clingy” and have been doing things my way, not asking for anything from him in the way of affection or cuddles (I’m one of those that needs lots 😀 ) .. nor have I given any affection or cuddles (he’s a taker not a giver!)

RESULT OF MY “BACKED OFFNESS” .. oh, he can’t do enough for me, demanding a cuddle from me before he left this morning.  Offering to take me with him tonight so that when he’s at the Chiropracters, I can go late night shopping .. asking if I want to walk round with him tomorrow when he plays golf ….

I’ve spoken to mum.  She will be in a position to help me in September.

CONCLUSION .. I’m feeling much much stronger and more positive than I have done in weeks .. !

And so ..

the reason for the tears yesterday morning??

I’m not entirely certain, but I think it’s the feeling that I’m doing loads of stuff (like washing and ironing and cleaning and PICKING HIM UP FROM PLACES) and I don’t seem to be getting a lot in return!

Example:  In the week we ended up with fish and chips .. now the kitchen isn’t huge!  He was dishing up dinner and taking up most of the space, so as he was doing that, I sorted washing into piles – “Your dinners’ ready” .. “no, it’s not” .. “why are you filling the washing machine when we are about to eat, I can do that? “” BUT YOU EFFING DON”T!” .. and he doesn’t!

Yesterday evening I was going to the “girls at work do” .. we do the lottery and having won about £80 over the year, and having no chance of a “paid for by the company bash”, thought we’d spend it on a meal out.  Unfortunately the meal was about a 30 minute drive away from anywhere I, (or anyone else for that matter) might be living (don’t ask!) so a taxi was really out of the question.

He didn’t even ask if I wanted a lift and picking up again .. he merely suggested that “you drop me at the pub on your way” !!!! WTF!  It wasn’t going to be a particulary pissed night, but it would have been nice to have a glass or two of wine!

So I was a good girl and did as I was told, but was told as I was driving him “you’re very quiet, what’s up?” .. now I know at that point I should have told him, but I thought “no, if you can’t work it out, I’m not telling you”, so my reply was “I’m concentrating on driving and trying to work out the best way to get to where I am going as there are about 4 possible routes .. *oh, and I’M ALREADY LATE BECAUSE OF YOU!*

Later .. I picked him up!  He was a bit pissed (not in a Pig sort of way, he doesn’t get like that – thank god) .. but he came out with the “I know something’s wrong, tell me what’s wrong, I just want you to be happy” line .. THEN .. he came out with “are you planning to tell me it’s over?”

I.WAS.SORELY.TEMPTED. (and know that I should have done, but I really want to get the suicide season out of the way).

It irks me that he wants me to tell him everything that is going on in my head – which I generally do, but he blatantly ignores and has not discussed in any way shape or form anything I’ve said, written or my counselling sessions.  But he doesn’t tell me what is going on in his head!

He met up with his sister last Sunday after almost a year of her fobbing him off, not coming to the door etc .. after the evening was over (guess who was driving again??) he said his sister hated him and blamed him for a lot of “childhood stuff” and had been in counselling for 2 years BECAUSE OF HIM .. but when I asked him the next day how it went, he said, “yeah, good although she turned a little funny later” ?????

Last night I asked him (it’s best to when one of you is sober and the other isn’t) and I got the same reply as the previous Sunday .. when he had been quite upset about her attitude towards him .. now why couldn’t he talk to me about that??

Anyway, on Monday he is going out with his junior Pro .. I am expected to drive them to spend the evening in “E”.  AND DO YOU KNOW WHAT??  I KNOW THAT HE’S CONTACTED/BEEN IN CONTACT WITH THE WOMAN OF THE OCTOBER FIASCO WHO JUST SO HAPPENS TO DRINK THERE TOO!!!!!

*only 2 more weeks till New Year, only 2 more weeks till New Year*

My response to any requests for lifts will be “jog on”!