Archive for the ‘Funny’ Category

Funny, but oh so true!

1. Teaching Maths In 1970

A logger sells a truckload of lumber for £100. His cost of production is 4/5 of the price. What is his profit?

2. Teaching Maths In 1980

A logger sells a truckload of lumber for £100. His cost of production is 4/5 of the price, or £80. What is his profit?

3. Teaching Maths In 1990

A logger sells a truckload of lumber for £100. His cost of production is £80. Did he make a profit?

4. Teaching Maths In 2000

A logger sells a truckload of lumber for £100. His cost of production is £80 and his profit is £20. Your assignment: Underline the number 20.

5. Teaching Maths In 2007

A logger cuts down a beautiful forest because he is selfish and inconsiderate and cares nothing for the habitat of animals or the preservation of our woodlands. He does this so he can make a profit of £20.  What do you think of this way of making a living? Topic for class participation after answering the question: How did the birds and squirrels feel as the logger cut down their homes? (There are no wrong answers).

6. Teaching Maths 2017

أ المسجل تبيع حموله شاحنة من الخشب من اجل 100 دولار. صاحب تكلفة الانتاج من الثمن. ما هو الربح له؟

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Court Humour!

These are from a book called Disorder in the American courts, and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters who had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.

ATTORNEY:    Are you sexually active?

WITNESS:         No, I just lie there.

*****

ATTORNEY:    What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?

WITNESS:         Gucci sweats and Reeboks.

*****

ATTORNEY:    This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?

WITNESS:         Yes.

ATTORNEY:    And in what ways does it affect your memory?

WITNESS:         I forget.

ATTORNEY:    You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?

*****

ATTORNEY:    What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?

WITNESS:         He said, ‘Where am I, Cathy?’

ATTORNEY:    And why did that upset you?

WITNESS:        My name is Susan!

*****

ATTORNEY:    Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?

WITNESS:        We both do.

ATTORNEY:    Voodoo?

WITNESS:        We do.

ATTORNEY:    You do?

WITNESS:         Yes, voodoo.

*****

ATTORNEY:    Now doctor, isn’t it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn’t know about it until the next morning?

WITNESS:        Did you actually pass the bar exam?

*****

ATTORNEY:    The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?

WITNESS:        Uh, he’s twenty.

*****

ATTORNEY:    Were you present when your picture was taken?

WITNESS:        Are you kidding me?

*****

ATTORNEY:    So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?

WITNESS:        Yes.

ATTORNEY:    And what were you doing at that time?

WITNESS:        Uh…. I was getting laid!

*****

ATTORNEY:    She had three children, right?

WITNESS:        Yes.

ATTORNEY:    How many were boys?

WITNESS:        None.

ATTORNEY:    Were there any girls?

WITNESS:        Are you kidding me? Your Honour, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?

*****

ATTORNEY:   How was your first marriage terminated?

WITNESS:       By death.

ATTORNEY:   And by whose death was it terminated?

WITNESS:      Now whose death do you suppose terminated it?

*****

ATTORNEY:    Can you describe the individual?

WITNESS:        He was about medium height and had a beard.

ATTORNEY:    Was this a male or a female?

WITNESS:        Guess.

*****

ATTORNEY:    Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?

WITNESS:        No, this is how I dress when I go to work.

*****

ATTORNEY:    Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?

WITNESS:        All my autopsies are performed on dead people. Would you like to rephrase that?

*****

ATTORNEY:    ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?

WITNESS:        Oral.

*****

ATTORNEY:    Do you recall the time that you examined the body?

WITNESS:        The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.

ATTORNEY:    And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?

WITNESS:        No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy on him!

*****

ATTORNEY:    Are you qualified to give a urine sample?

WITNESS:        Huh….are you qualified to ask that question?

*****

And the best for last:

ATTORNEY:    Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?

WITNESS:        No.

ATTORNEY:    Did you check for blood pressure?

WITNESS:        No.

ATTORNEY:    Did you check for breathing?

WITNESS:        No.

ATTORNEY:    So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?

WITNESS:        No.

ATTORNEY:    How can you be so sure, Doctor?

WITNESS:        Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.

ATTORNEY:    I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?

WITNESS:        Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.

One for the Girls ..

Ten Reasons why Shoes are Better than Men!

1 – You can never have too many shoes

Some people would say that you can never have too many men, either – but clearly they’d be wrong, or Paris Hilton.

2 – New shoes can be returned within 28 days, no questions asked

If you wish to return men to their manufacturers, it’s normally about 30 years past that date.

3 – You can give your old shoes away to charity.

Donating a former boyfriend to a single girlfriend might be deemed as charity, but don’t ever tell your single girlfriend that.

4 – Relationships with shoes last longer

You may still fondly remember the red kitten heels you wore when you were 16, but we doubt you can remember the name of the boy you snogged while you were wearing them.

5 – When shopping online, you know that the pictures of shoes will be an accurate representation

When was the last time you bought a pair of shoes online, only for them to turn up and elicit the response: ‘My god, that picture of them was taken about 10 years ago!’?

6 – Shoes require little, or no, attention

You can put them away in your wardrobe and they do perfectly well without light/food/toe rubs and everything!

7 – Shoes will never leave you for another woman

If they ever do, it’s because you’ve actually given them away to that other woman. Which is completely different.

8 – You can borrow your girlfriends’ shoes for the night

You may try to borrow your girlfriends’ men for the night, but it probably won’t go down too well. Especially if they’re all on the same night.

9 – You can hang on to old shoes in case you decide you like them again

Sadly, getting rid of a man from your life is the emotional equivalent of dropping off your shoes at the shoe bank in the supermarket car park. You may want them back – but they’re someone else’s now.

10 – Love at first sight has more chance of lasting with shoes

Your love for those shoes will never waver (unless you’re 13). And when you wake up in the morning, you’ll never turn and look at your shoes from the night before and think: ‘I wore those? What was I thinking?!’

The Four Stages of Life

4-stages.jpg

Yup, that about sums it up!

The REAL 3 Bears story!

Baby Bear goes downstairs and sits in her little chair at the table. She looks into her little bowl.  It is empty. ‘Who’s been eating my porridge?!!’ she squeaks.

Daddy Bear arrives at the table and sits in his big chair. He looks into his big bowl and it is also empty.  ‘Who’s been eating my porridge?!!’ he roars.

Mummy Bear puts her head through the serving hatch from the kitchen and yells… ‘For goodness sake, how many times do we have to go through this with you idiots?

It was Mummy Bear who got up first, it was Mummy Bear who woke everyone in the house, it was Mummy Bear who made the coffee, it was Mummy Bear who unloaded the dishwasher from last night, and put everything away, it was Mummy Bear who went out in the cold early morning air to fetch the newspaper, it was Mummy Bear who set the damn table, it was Mummy Bear who put the friggin’ cat out, cleaned the litter box and filled the cat’s water and food dish, and now that you’ve decided to drag your sorry bear-asses downstairs and grace Mummy Bear’s kitchen with your grumpy presence, listen good, coz I’m only going to say this one more time… Continue reading