Archive for the ‘Sad’ Category

Today’s the day ..

I am quite excited.

I need to leave a note with the keys when I post them.  What should I say???  Part of me is harping on the bitchy, some on the pathetic, and some on the cool calm and collected.

I’ve still not told him my new address and filled in an application form yesterday and intentionally left that bit blank.

I have plans for tomorrow (buy TV) .. but Monday is looming a bit blank – mebbe I’ll go shopping to Kingston for interview clothes, Tuesday is full, Wednesday blank and Thursday I have the doctors and Salsa in the evening ..  Friday I have the Consultant .. the nurses are over the moon at how I am healing – one of the girls is totally healed and the scarring is minimal, the other has a 50p size to go where I had the infection … but after that???

The mental health guy was .. to be honest .. weird .. almost an albino Nigerian!  He suggested 3 things that needed to be addressed or people I should be referred to ..

1.  Alcohol and drug abuse – I do have a problem, not a massive one, but would like to address the problem that I drink too much.  Possibly the odd one or two at lunchtime, if we went out 2 or 3 followed by a couple of glasses of wine at home .. probably 6 days a week.  It’s not a huge problem as when I was on Metronidazol (spelling) for an infection I was not allowed to drink one drop .. it didn’t phase me, make me ill or have me craving a drink and I went over the 7 days before I had one .. so the problem is not huge, but I feel any help is better than no help.

2.  Relate – errrr no!

3.  Psychologist.  I know where the problems are and what mine are.  I just need help in solving them and how to deal with them.

He also suggested that if I mentioned to the doctor that I wanted to join a gym they could get me a discount as it was for medical reasons.  I shall be going down that route!

That’s about it for the moment .. as I need to get washed .. fill the car with petrol .. fill the car with stuff .. and wait for my sister and brother-in-law.

Thanks to everyone who has been so supportive over the last few years, it is very much appreciated, you could see what I could but didn’t want to.

A blog is a selfish place .. my place, my place to be selfish.


So, where to go now?? …

It’s been a funny old week!

On Monday the Receiver came into our office (eventually), where my boss and his son also sit, and shut the door.  He started with his spiel about what was going on, what he was doing, what he was doing with the staff, he looked at me and said “sadly I have no need to keep you on”.  I had accepted this outcome, it was no surprise to me .. my boss however shrunk, went bright red and started sweating!  After a few minutes I deemed it was acceptable for me to “take a fag break” and leave them to it – what was there for me to say, or stay for??

Eventually the meeting ended and I had a brief (very) conversation with the Receiver, where I admitted that I knew he wouldn’t need me and I didn’t have a problem with it (particularly – because anyone who’s read anything I’ve written about my boss knows he’s a cun wanker).  However he did say that he had told the boss that he was responsible for me and should make amends!   So having gone back to my desk my ex-boss (totally shrunken and defeated) said he would pay me “cash” to continue working for him for the foreseeable future, including making up any shortfall on my usual monthly wage.  The Administrator and Reciever are at loggerheads and the amount I will get paid this month is debatable.  I semi-agreed to this without being able to say much – I was put on the spot.  At lunchtime I deemed it was ok to go home to “think” .. actually meet a few friends for a drink and talk the situation over.

On Tuesday morning I went into work and told my boss that I would work until the end of the month, with him paying me cash for the 2 weeks.  I need a bit of time off, I don’t want to work for him any more and to lapse into a situation where I am being loyal and faithful, but can be shafted at any moment by not having a contract etc etc etc is out.of.order.  He accepted it very easily .. gulping and going red at the same time.  He looked shocked when I told him of my plan to a) possibly go to France and help some friends with their Gites or b) do “care work” for another friend’s company.  I suppose he thought I wouldn’t be able to find something too easily.  His son was suitably embarrassed too!

For my part I haven’t filed everything in the bin, just work related stuff, his personal stuff I have filed (but then I’m like that!).  Everything is backed up on the computer anyway, so his son can deal with it when I am gone.  I am upset at the way I have been treated and I shall be leaving people I like and who like me.  Two tenants gave me a hug when I told them I was going – which set me off – so I’ve told everyone to be really nasty to me next week but there will be tears I fear.  It’s been 7 years!  AND!

On The Admirer front – he says he’s being supportive, but a text from a joint friend to say they’d seen my status update and was I ok, garnered the reply “Dont know as not spoken for a while, will be home shortly to find out! Shame she has only known for a year it was going to happen and has done f all about it !”

Errrr???? I have been looking for a new job (but there actually haven’t been that many out there), but when this was officially on the cards there seemed a reason to stay for the time being .. ie redundancy!  I’m assured a “reasonable” payout from the State – BEARING IN MIND THAT SINCE THE AGE OF 20 I HAVE PAID BOTH MY TAXES AND NATIONAL INSURANCE WITH NO CLAIM ON THE STATE!

He also got the hump about my “possibly” going to France!  When was I going to tell him about this???  Err, when I had decided – it’s a whim, it is doable and I might regret not doing it!  In that case “don’t bother coming back” .. oh grow up!!!

We went to see Paul Heaton (he of the Housemartins and Beautiful South) last Wednesday at The Plough in Coldharbour, on his Pedals and Pumps tour (bringing the local pub back into the limelight).  It was fantastic and I was watching/listening from the minute the support band came on.  Paul Heaton was awesome.  He only did 2 “oldies” but the new stuff was fantastic too.  The pub we were in was owned by 2 members of his (up-its-arse) golf club .. and there were several members there too.  Cue me being wound up!  I got a (bit – not rip-roaringly) drunk (on wine which I don’t drink in huge quantities).  When I am drunk, apparently I become clumsy (who doesn’t) .. sorry???? Did I let you down or say something to anyone I shouldn’t??? (and who the fcuk are they to judge me anyway???)  Anyway .. was anyone else from “his” crowd out there freezing their watsits off listening to a complete god???? …. NO!  So what I was doing was of no importance to anyone but me! 

Last night I said I would cook a roast as he was going to be home late.  The way it is in our house, I do the meat generally and he does the veg.  I had prepared the chicken and the oven was cooking the chicken.  I had peeled the spuds, parsnips etc and had worked out the timings.  He came in and said he would do the roast potatoes and that I was to go and sit down and start watching the film that started at 9 so I could tell him how it started (Invasion – twas ok!) .. he then said, “aren’t you cooking dinner?” … er, you told me to start watching the film!  So please, am I not allowed to be confused by that????  Apparently I spoilt the evening by being confused.  Was I supposed to be cooking the dinner or watching the film?  They are in 2 different rooms.  I CANNOT do both!

Anyway, there is more and when I get my head around it I will blog.  I just love the way it’s all “me” that’s got the problem or got it wrong .. never him … I feel France coming on! 😀


I’ve been a little quiet, mainly because there hasn’t really been anything I wanted to say!

However either tomorrow or on Thursday my financial obligations with Pig will be over and I’m feeling a bit numb and to be truthful a bit weepy.

He wasn’t a bad bloke really, just hell to live with.

Obviously the money in the bank is a good thing and I can get on with my life, but the thought of trying to fit as much of my stuff into my small room at mum’s (she will sooo complain if it spreads to the rest of the house) is daunting!  Also trying to fit what’s left into my car is a tad daunting too ..

I’ve been mentally clearing my stuff for weeks, I should have done it a bit at a time over the last few when I’ve been to collect post and see the cat, but I just put it off .. I suppose the final push is the hardest!

I really want to take the cat with me, he’s mine, he was given to me by friends, he misses me – a point proved on Friday that he gets little or no affection from Pig – when he soaked me in dribble and was practically trying to climb down the front of my top.  However, Pig has always said the cat would stay with him if anything ever happened and I didn’t disagree, would it be wrong of me that the last box I take is the cat box (full)?

I just don’t know!

So what was ..

all the screaming and shouting about, merely a desire to let off some steam because I could?  Mere frustration at my current journey to work?  Things in general? Or one very definite person or people?

All of the above!

The last I heard from Pig was that I needed to sign some papers this week.  I have had no communication from him.  I daren’t go to the house as this unleashes a torrent of texts that just wind me up, piss me off and make me hate him more.  Ok, so maybe I should chase him, get it finalised and over with.

The Admirer is pushing things forward way too hard and fast, then says, “but I’ll wait for you” when I start stressing, then he pushes way too hard again and then gets sulky because I’m stressing again!  WTF??

I’ve told him that:

1) I’m not getting anywhere with Pig and dislike making initial contact because of the above which is frustrating – ok, so I am sticking my head in the sand.

2) Work is extremely stressful right now and the journey to work from either his or mum’s is absolutely vile, traffic-wise.

3) Icklesis’s stoopid cat has gone missing (now on day 4) and she is upset, mum is upset and to be quite honest, so am I! (and I miss my own cat).

4) I don’t like living at home because despite the fact that I am free to come and go as long as I let mum know whether I will be back at night or not and whether I am eating or not, she KEEPS doing my washing and ironing and I am soon going to be accused of treating the place like an hotel .. and you have to pay for an hotel! and no doubt she will eventually get fed up and chuck me out! 😦

5) I am actually quite stressed!

6) I nearly slept on the sofa last night as there was no room in the bed for me 😦

7) The Admirer asked me to take him to a golf tournament tomorrow at stupid o’clock in the morning and have his car for the day – as it’s on my way to work, that’s no problem, and then could I pick up his stuff later in the afternoon as he didn’t want to leave it lying around at the club – fair enough, I can do that!  Then he says, but if I want to go back to mum’s tonight that’s ok.  I was too tired this morning to question “did he still want me to take him or not?” and now I really can’t be arsed!  I’m certainly not getting up even earlier to drive to his, swap cars, drive him to the golf club and then go on to work!  (that is if he doesn’t do the classic .. “I’ll drive and we can swap when we get there” that soooo many men do with their wives at the station every day!)

I have a busy, stressful job to begin with working for someone who quite frankly has the manners of a raging mammoth, next week the boss is away which gives me room to breathe; and the week after I’m in Scotland with mum and Icklesis .. a week away with no phones, computers or internet – maybe that’ll help!

but I think what is really really eating me is, why do I have to go around with a grin from ear to ear 24-7 which is what the Admirer seems to think I should have – even with all the above going on?

Anyway tonight I am going to tell him we are no more for the moment! 😦

That’s jumbled, then but so is my head. 😦

Running Away???

To take a couple of days off and go somewhere .. is that running away?

I.think.not!  It’s called time off, holiday, vacation, time out!

I am in danger of cracking up and suffering from depression – who can really blame me?  I’ve spent the last few days on the verge of tears, in fact if the truth be known they are pouring down my face now!  Yes, I know that in my case I am just feeling sorry for myself, because I have done something I should have done a long time ago, and I should “snap out of it” .. but sometimes it’s hard.  I don’t want to got the medication route, but I know that it works for me ..

Let’s see what has changed …

  • Left Pig
  • Moved out
  • Moved offices to a part of the building far away from the “girly” goings on and laughs
  • Spent lonely evenings catching horses, picking out feet, changing rugs, feeding etc
  • Pressure from the Admirer .. classic case today “please may I do some washing” .. “of course you can you don’t need to ask” .. “but it’s only polite to!” ??

In short I feel very lonely right now.

So shoot me because I’m bouncing from one emotion to another and am not the life and soul of the party!